Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
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Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Hmmmmm
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*