The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
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Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
What is going on? 😅
mathematically impossible
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.