Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
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When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
pizza
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!