*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
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A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Friday
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…