Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
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When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
these two trucks have the same bed length
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.