Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
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Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.