Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
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*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
How your email finds me
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys