*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
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Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.