Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
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Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Labreador
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!