I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
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Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
so this horse walks into a bar
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs