[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
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going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
#catsoftwitter
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Hitlers gonna hitl
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.