Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
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My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
God, I love Scotland
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public