Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
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It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.