“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
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ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back