At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
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Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did