Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
my first dose meeting my second
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
every. time.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,