to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
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*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK