Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
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Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”