Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
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It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia