My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
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I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
What personal space?
My dog
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.