ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
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Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.