*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
You Might Also Like
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Me too door. Me too.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”