My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
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Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna