*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
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Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.