I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
You Might Also Like
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
plant them where lol
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.