I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
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Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994