Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
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I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I was up all night reading about insomnia
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”