me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
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A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair