I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
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Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
LMAO
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Care for your back
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.