“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
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This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
“Sheer Arrogance”
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
this is the greatest thing ever
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address