-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
You Might Also Like
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.