Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
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[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.