[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
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Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Who does Amazon think I am?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil