The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
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Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Who needs an Air Fryer?