“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
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Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
plant them where lol
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
put ‘er there pardner!
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”