Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
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Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Trumpy Cat
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.