Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
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*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
definitely did not do anything wrong
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.