Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?