they really do be looking like this
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“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.