Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
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Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.