Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
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Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
We’ve all been there…
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.