Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
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Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
*watches the world burn*
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
hackers play passwordle
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish