even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
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We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.