My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
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Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Growing out my freckles.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN