The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
You Might Also Like
the three branches of government
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
never compromise your values
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.