There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
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Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Pandas 🐼🖤
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.