[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
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SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil