Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
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One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
when nothing goes right… go left
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.