Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
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[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.