Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
You Might Also Like
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos